How To Wreck Your House in Four Hours or Less

1) Go to the Rock and Shop Market.  You know, just to buy some “gifts.” Fall in love with a tiny and unassuming print. Realize that it will look perfect with your three other music prints, which are all kind of the same color.  Which matches the new guest room paint. Which will trigger the realization that it is imperative that you relocate every piece of art in your house.  Today.


2) Strolling back to your car, peek in the furniture store at Trosa, just to “get some ideas.”  Zero in on a set of retro shelves with smoky glass doors and gold hardware circa 1970. Discover that they can be yours for $49.  You have to buy 6′ x 6′ retro bookshelves if they are $49.  Pay for them and promise to come back and get them on Tuesday.

3) Drive back to Raleigh and move your old, much smaller bookshelves into your guest room, where they are now needed.

4) Rearrange everything in your guest room. Twice.  For good measure, just go ahead and rearrange the living room furniture.  It’s time.

5) Drive back to Durham and collect one of the shelves.  As you begin loading it with albums and audio equipment in your living room, realize that they are now blocking your wall of family photos.

6) At this stage, take down and sort every piece of art in your house into the following categories: family photographs, travel, art, music, and my favorite: Things Friends Have Made.  Leave them in neat piles all over your guest room, unless you’ve leaned them against the wall in “maybe” locations.

7) While you’re removing artwork, decide that you need to swap the photos on the old telephone wall for invisible shelves for cookbooks.  Drive immediately to the Container Store.  Try to dodge the aggressively over-helpful sales people.

8) On the way home, decide you can’t stand the overly-bright yellow paint in your kitchen for one. more. second.  Veer off to the paint store and commence changing the color from walk-on-the-sun yellow to a gentle lemon yellow, which is better suited to your current mood.

9) Do everything in your power to distract the dawg from your painting process.  Resign yourself to the fact that you can give him all the chewy treats he’ll consume in the sun on your back patio five feet away, and he’ll still wind up with a patch of lemon yellow on his nose, and speckles on his ear, and one crisp stripe on his shoulder from investigating the reentrant corner you just painted.

10) If possible, ensure that this process is incomplete at 12:30 a.m., so that you have the mixed blessing of waking up to a house in which every room is trashed, at least a little.

Busy weekend, y’all.  Good thing I love a project.  What’ve you been up to?

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